By Sean MacEntee – http://www.flickr.com/photos/smemon/5783321374/

One of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with since becoming a father is the severe lack of time. I’m a morning person, so have no problem with waking at 6am every day of the year. So is my son, and that’s where the problem begins.

It’s a rare morning where I can get up, have a shower and a cup of coffee before the boy wakes up. Don’t even think about wanting to get a quick hour or two of work in before the day really starts to kick in at 9am. To add to the issue, my wife is not a morning person.

My mornings consist of going and getting my son out of his cot at somewhere between 6:15-6:45 am. Then we’re into the routine of a cup of milk, a little play, some breakfast and before you know it I’m needing to head off out the door into the office.

The time at work seems to fly past. I like to leave a little earlier to get home in time for family dinner just after 5pm. Then it’s bath, story, and bedtime for the little man. By the time we get through all that we’re already at 7:30pm and I’m starting to feel pretty worn out.

If I’m lucky I might get to sit down for 30 minutes to an hour and relax in front of the TV. Try and get the kitchen clean again after the mess that is dinner preparation, and then I’m dead on my feet.

Most nights I trundle off to bed at around 9:30pm and fall asleep within 20 minutes.

Rinse, Repeat.

Someone please tell me it gets better

You kind of expect to lose a few friends when you have kids, especially if those friends don’t have any of their own. There are any number of articles about the subject which will tell you that the best thing to do is to go out and make new friends. That’s great, and for the parent looking after the child(ren) this is made easier by Mother’s Groups, Playgroups and the like.

But what isn’t really covered is what about the other parent? Here’s my experience as a working father so far:

Too Many Friends

When you first bring your baby home from the hospital, every man and his dog comes to see the new life you’ve created. You’ll feel so grateful that you have so many friends. This will last a few weeks as the outliers come for their visit. Then at about 5-6 weeks they stop coming.

The Gradual Decline

To be honest at this stage you don’t really miss them. You have your hands full with Baby, getting used to the routines, sleepless nights and probably just starting to get back into work depending on how much time you could take off.

You might still see your friends if you play a sport, or work with them. But you’ll probably only see them during these activities. Those friends you don’t see in this setting might occasionally text or email about how “we should catch up soon”. Don’t count on it.

You won’t be getting invited out at night, or if you are you can’t go because you’ll be with the kid, not yet confident enough to leave them with a grandparent for the night. It doesn’t take long for the invites to stop coming.

Meeting New People

It’s about this time that your partner starts meeting new people, through organised groups of new parents (usually mothers) in your area. They’ll start spending an afternoon together during the week while you’re at work. Once every so often you might have a BBQ on a weekend where the other fathers come along, but it’s not something that’s going to start a close friendship.

I sometimes stay at home for the day with our son, while my wife goes to work (as a casual relief teacher). This means that I sometimes, depending on the day, take my son to swimming. My wife will sometimes go for coffee with the other mums after swimming. I get the polite “Hi” and “Bye”, but generally nothing more. Not that I blame the mothers, it just the way it is.

Self Doubt

Once the usual excuses don’t hold water because you now leave your baby with a babysitter to go out, you start thinking your old friends might come out of the woodwork. The thing is, they’re used to you not being around. They have other friends that are, so they’re not really missing anything.

This is the point that the self doubt starts kicking in. Is there a reason they’re not calling? Were they really that good a friend in the first place? Did I do something before kids that drove them away and gave them a good excuse?

It’s not something to dwell on though. It is what it is.

The Future

So what should you be doing? What am I doing?

I’m not all the way through this yet. My plan is to try and get to know the other fathers (the ones attached to all the other babies you know). We have a fantastic entertaining area out the back of our house which we are planning to put to good use this summer. Having regular Sunday Sessions, with kids playing, parents talking and enjoying a drink or two.

Some of us fathers might have something in common other than the age of our kids or the friendship of our wives. The kids are getting to the age where we as fathers can take them down to the park.

I’m also planning to do more networking in my professional life. You’d be surprised how much easier small-talk gets when you have kids. A lot of contemporaries have their own kids and experiences, and it gives you a chance to talk about something other than “work topics”.

Networking events do tend to take time away from family though, and my family will always be my first priority.

Advice

Ok, so this has turned into “one of those articles telling you to go out and make new friends”, but it’s true. It’s harder for a working parent, but the benefits are the same. So make an effort, because it sure as hell won’t happen on its own.

Have you been through this before? Do you have some great tips for meeting new and interesting people post-kids? I’d love to hear them in the comments!

How much time do you spend going to and from work every day? Is it in any way productive, or are you driving and unable to do anything but keep your eyes on the road?

Jef Claes recently did the math on one of his previous commutes and figured that he was wasting 66 working days worth of time every year by driving himself a long way to work.

He concluded that he’d be much better off on a train, where he could allocate 75% of that time to doing something else (reading, working, email etc…), and gain a little back.

Of course, another way to get that time back is to bring your workplace to you instead of going to it. I’ve written about this before in How To Work From Home and Spend More Time With Your Kids. If your employer is open to the idea then this will give you more than just more productive time for work, but also the chance to be closer to your children as they grow up.

Imagine that you had a 15 second commute from one end of your house to the other. If you worked the same amount of time that you used to be away from home, you could potentially take 60+ more days off per year! This is a lot more holidays than most people get in 2 years.

This all depends on your type of work employer of course. If you’re stuck in a situation where you need to go to the workplace then do as Jef says and move closer to the office.